The "C" Word

Thursday, December 4, 2008 is a day I'm sure I'll never forget. It was only a few days ago, so, of course, it's fresh in my mind right now. Unfortunately, it will stay vivid for me and my close family and friends for a long time to come.

A little background for those who I haven't kept in close enough contact with lately--

I've been having many health issues for about the last year or so. It all began in late summer of 2007, when my baby was about 8 months old so it was September or August. The first sign I noticed that something weird was going on with me was when I began waking each morning, after a good night's sleep, to a horrible itching in the palms of my hands. At first, I figured it was just dry skin causing me to get itchy. This went on for a few days, and over the next several weeks the itching got more intense to a point where it was burning and, in a half-asleep state, I was scratching continuously at myself. It only got worse, and after about a month of that turned into a red, bumpy rash. The rash progressively spread from my hands and feet to my arms and legs, and eventually, when at its worst, was covering my whole body. During this time I was taking Benadryl, an antihistamine, to help control the rash and hives. This was not making things any better. I later discovered antihistamines were making this worse. I would have good days and good weeks where I'd be nearly rash and hive free. This never completely went away, but I learned to live with it.

I mulled it over with my doctors and in my mind and had come to all sorts of conclusions about what the cause could be. These realizations proved to be a total sham each time. This went on and on and on. I won't get into details any more... it happened so much I learned to live with it. I eventually just figured I had heat-induced, chronic urticaria (hives.)

In February of this year, I noticed what seemed to be a gland in my neck that was enlarged/swollen. Normally, you can't feel your glands unless you have a cold or infection or some reason for them to be swollen. I've had glands get bigger in the past and they would always go back down in size after a cold or something was gone and I was feeling fine. This time, this gland didn't go down in size. I went to see my doctor about this. She prescribed antibiotics and had me take a round of them to see if that would reduce its size. She said it's normal for glands to swell up occasionally and not go back down, and it was probably just an infection. When the antibiotics did nothing for it, she referred me to a surgical specialist for a possible biopsy. He also tried a round of antibiotics first. Again, this did nothing. He then did a fine-needle biopsy, and that did come back clean. However, the ultrasound and CT scan I'd had done did show a cluster (not just one) of lymph nodes swollen in the right side of my neck. This concerned him and he wanted to do a surgical biopsy and remove the largest node for closer examination. I had the surgery all scheduled, and "chickened out" so to speak. At this point, no doctor had done any blood work on me and the fine-needle biopsy had come back clean so I felt certain this was unnecessary.

I went on living with the itchy hives and the swollen gland for a while longer. I finally had a break-down in October or so and realized I just could NOT go on living like this with this horrible rash that was affecting my daily life and my mood and making me feel hideous.

During all this time, over the past year I've noticed I just haven't been "me." No one knows their own body like they do, of course. I just knew SOMETHING wasn't right and though I wasn't feeling ill, per say, I was tired a lot more than I used to be and just overall had a feeling something serious was wrong. I just knew I had to get to a doctor that would help me diagnose this so I could get on with my life.

I found a new doctor, whom I absolutely love and truly seemed concerned and wanted to help me get to the bottom of all this. He had me visit with an allergist, and that turned up nothing serious to alert them to the cause of this rash I was living with. I had also told him all about the enlarged lymph node.

My new doctor performed the lymph node biopsy in his office the day before Thanksgiving. I had my stitches removed this week on Wednesday (the 3rd of December) and the pathology report had not come back from the lab yet. They assured me they would call me as soon as they had the results. All this time, I still felt like it would be fine and nothing serious. I truly was NOT worried about it being something horrible.

I got the phone call that would change me on Thursday. The nurse from my doctor's office called and said the results came back abnormal. She sounded very calm and did not tell me much over the phone, just asking if I could come in "today" for more blood work. I'm not an idiot, and I got off the phone after agreeing to come in as soon as I could get myself and Logan ready and out the door... I hung up and it hit me that this was serious. Doctor's offices don't call you in that SAME day unless it's urgent and, usually, bad news. The whole way there, I think I was still in denial... I kept that thought in the back of my head that perhaps they really did need more bloodwork and that maybe I was freaking out prematurely.

I got to the office and waited in the area for a short while. I went into the exam room with the nurse and she did the usual blood pressure and temperature checks, etc. and she had my file in front of her. Either I was in fine tune to her every emotion or she really did seem a little tense, I don't know... but I felt like a bomb was about to hit me. I said to her, on the verge of tears, "Dawn, how bad is it? Is it really, really bad? Do I have cancer?" She calmly told me to calm down and not freak out or fret. She then said a phrase to me which sounded like it happened in slow motion... even now, as I replay it in my mind, I hear it in the same slow motion. "You have Hodgkins Lymphoma" and then I lost it. I broke down, crying and sobbing and just a mess. She didn't need to go on, though I think through my tears I could hear her explaining to me that it was, indeed, a cancer of the lymph node system.

The rest of the day was a blur as I talked to the doctor and Lee came to the office and met me there and we cried and I went home to tell my grandparents and call my mom and the rest was just a depressing, totally freaked-out day. At this point, all they had was my diagnosis. They did not know how serious this was -- in other words, they didn't know if I caught this early or in the later stages. That's the part that was hardest to deal with over the next 24 hours. I hardly slept Thursday night as I lay awake wondering if I was too late and was in stage 4 and it was going to be a horrible, difficult fight. I tried to think positive, but when you get told you have cancer, it's impossible to not think the worst. I have a little 2 year old baby boy who needs his mommy. I can't bear the thought of his life without me. I prayed hard and knew in my heart of hearts that I had to be positive and optimistic and I had every reason in the world to fight my hardest fight for this: Logan. He NEEDS me. I need him. I can't let Logan grow up without me, the person who loves him more than anyone can ever love another human being. The thought of him growing up and never knowing me or knowing who I was or how much I loved him... well, that thought is just too horrible to think about.

(For anyone interested in more information on Hodgkin's Lymphoma, also known as Hodgkin's Disease, HERE is a really informative link.)

The GOOD NEWS:

Thinking optimistically, there ARE some good things to keep in mind --- Hodkin's Lymphoma is cancer, however, if you're going to get a lymphoma, Hodgkin's is the best to get -- it's the most treatable and most responsive to treatments. If caught early on, it has an over 80% survival rate. AND the fact that I'm young, I feel, will be on my side since I'll be stronger to fight this.

The other awesome news:

I went Friday for my CT scans for them to determine "staging" -- in other words, they wanted to see if this was just located in my neck or if it had spread farther to my chest or abdomen. I got a call last night already from the nurse at my doc's office -- the results came back already and it was good news. It seems we caught it really early, and it had not spread to my chest (the next place is usually spreads to is the nodes in the chest area) -- the only other spot they saw was the opposite side of my neck from where I had the biopsy done. So we caught it really early-- it's only in my neck... which means, it'll be easier to treat... I'll probably be looking at much less in terms of treatment.

I meet with the oncologist on Tuesday. He'll go over everything with me and tell me where we go from here. I'm GUESSING radiation is going to be his choice for treatment... but I'm not certain... there is a possibility I could undergo chemo. At this point, I have no idea and just have to wait to talk to him. At least I've been able to breathe a little sigh of relief this weekend in knowing this was caught early and I CAN and WILL beat this cancer!

PLEASE, everyone, keep me in your thoughts and prayers and send lots of good vibes. I would most certainly appreciate it. I love you all!