What a great day! For many reasons!

Wow, what a day for America today has been! I watched the inauguration of our new president this morning. It was so touching and just so exciting!! I'm so glad for a new president and a fresh start for change. Just wanted to say that first!

The past couple of days have been okay for me, but not so great for little Logan. He came down with an awful case of the sickies that started Sunday morning. He slept kind of bad the night before and the night before that, and he usually sleeps without a peep all night long so that was my first clue that he was probably getting sick. He had a fever of about 101 Sunday morning and was very whiny off and on all day. I gave him Tylenol and that helped some, but not enough.

Sunday night was rough. He woke up what seemed like every 30 minutes or so just screaming in pain. He was refusing his Tylenol but we got SOME in him so that helped a little, but not much. Luckily we were able to get him in to see his pediatrician Monday. He had a fever of 102.5 when we got to the doctor's office and they got him to take some Tylenol finally. They performed the tests for strep and for the flu and both came back negative, thank goodness. The doctor looked him over and he just has a really bad sounding cough with congestion that has caused an ear infection. Dr. prescribed him some antibiotics and something for his cough.

Logan slept really well last night because that prescription cough syrup knocks him out. Thank goodness he was able to sleep well... he sure needed it. Today he is feeling a lot better, but still somewhat whiny... but nonetheless, doing a LOT better than yesterday.

Ok, so now you know the scoop on the sick, little guy... reasons why today has rocked are...

I got TWO, not one, but two, awesome surprises in the mail today!!

One was a beautifully knitted hat from my online friend, Jaime. I "met" her online on my birth message board when I was pregnant with Logan. A bunch of us have remained friends even 2 years now after having our babies. She learned to knit recently and knit me a hat to cover my bald head. She made it with baby alpaca yarn and it is sooooooo soft. The colors are beautiful pinks, tans, brown... just a beautiful hat accompanied by such a sweet card. It was such a treat to get something so nice and so very unexpected! Thank you so much, Jaime!!!!

The beautiful knitted hat from Jaime


The other package was a big box from my mom's cousin, Diane, in Wisconsin. Again, a totally sweet and totally unexpected surprise! Diane sent me a goody box filled with TONS and TONS of awesome stuff for me while I'm going through cancer. There is so much stuff in there it's hard to name it all off, but I'll try... it was all sent inside a cute handbag and there was a beautiful and really "far out" green fuzzy scarf and hat which I just love... a neck warmer that you can put in the microwave... a makeup bag with tons of little eyeshadows and lip glosses and makeup brushes... a pack of stationary cards and journals... a John 3:16 book with bookmark... oh yeah, my FAVORITE thing, some candy (jelly beans from Jelly Belly... YUM... yeah, Diane, those are already half gone and I just got your package a little while ago!!)... footie slippers... I think I've named most of it!

Too cool not to share -- the green fuzzy hat & scarf from Diane!

Oh yeah, Diane also sent Logan a book and a little stuffed animal puppy. He LOVES the book... it's all about TRUCKS which are seriously one of his favorite things ever! I snapped a photo of Logan with his new book and puppy... He loves them. Thank you so much for everything, Diane!!!!

Logan just loves his new book about trucks!!


So as you can see, a totally wonderful day. It's always nice to be thought of and know people are praying for you. And getting such nice things sent to me sure isn't bad either!! :)

Oh! Yesterday was really gloomy and SO COLD out... something happened here that doesn't happen very often for us here in Northwest Georgia... We got snow! It wasn't a ton of snow of course, but enough to stick all night and it was pretty. I took some pictures of it to share, too!

My friend, Mike -- & the snow really coming down fast!

My front yard

Mike loves snow!

Lee videotaping the snow falling (in his robe like Hugh Hefner!)

Me with my wig & hat on in the snow! You'd never guess I'm bald!

One other thing before I end this post... I went yesterday for a quick lab at my doctor's office. It's a weekly check of my blood cell counts. All looks to be within the normal range so that's really good. I have to be careful about getting sick since I have more of a suppressed immune system than people not going through chemo. Please pray that Logan gets better and that I don't catch what he's got!!!

After the 2nd Chemo & My New Bald Debut

On Monday, before going for chemo, I had blood work done and met with Dr. Voelzke. My blood work came back fantastic. Surely that's in part to the "growth shot" as they call it (Neulesta) to make my body's bone marrow produce more blood cells. With my blood cell counts (CBC) being in the range they want, that's always good because it means no delays for me on my scheduled chemo. The doctor also did a physical exam of my lymph nodes, and already after only 1 chemo treatment he said he only felt what seemed like muscle fullness in my neck, but could not feel the enlarged nodes, whereas before he could easily feel them through my skin. So this is good news also... it means the nodes are shrinking in size. And that was after only ONE chemo!!!

I had my 2nd chemo treatment after meeting with the doctor. It seems to have gone more smoothly this time for me. I had already gone through it all once so I knew exactly what to expect, and since I'd gone through with flying colors (no drug reactions) the first time, they could speed the drip a little bit so it didn't take as long as it did the first time. They started me on my IV around 12:45 or 1:00 and we were done at exactly 3:30. I didn't feel quite as tired this time around, but definitely felt more light-headed which worried me as I thought I might get really bad nausea once I got home, but nope... I had none. After getting home, I went down for a nap at 5:30 and didn't get up until 9:30. Then I watched t.v. for a while and fell asleep around 1:30 and woke up at 11:30 the next morning. So I got a great night's sleep plus that nap.

Tuesday my friend Mike drove me to get the Neulesta shot. That went easy as pie again and we were in and out of the office in about 10 minutes. Afterward, we took Logan and had dinner out and then came home. I was feeling brave and definitely felt ready to take the next step... my hair was getting messy and falling out in larger pieces and clumps each day. It was becoming depressing combing so much of it out each time I'd shower or even feeling it all coming out while I was washing my hair in the shower. I was ready. So with the moral support of my best friend, Mike, and my grandma Hilda and, of course, my little cheerleader, Logan, we cut and shaved my hair.

I have to admit, I'm really, really proud of myself. I thought I'd cry or bawl my eyes out. I didn't. I was so strong. I believe I was truly ready to do it. I'd mentally prepared myself for a couple of weeks now as to how it was going to be without hair. All the praying I've done and others has done has truly been working in my life. I might have cancer, but I'm at the strongest I've ever been in my life. I owe that all to God and the support of my many friends and family praying for me and just sending so much love my way. And before you go thinking I'm all heroic and super-woman-like, I'm not. I'm just like you, or anyone else you know. When faced with something like this, a person's natural instincts are going to tell them to fight it. Hard core. And that's what I'm doing. There is no losing here for me. That's just not an option. My only viewpoint can ever possibly be optimism and positive vibes!

So before I say goodbye for this post, I will leave you with a few fun pictures of my hair-cutting experience! Enjoy!

Some "Before" Shots


Mike, the scary hair stylist:

Cutting of the ponytail:

Me holding the cut-off ponytail:

My hacked-up haircut, more hacking needed, almost ready for the clippers:


My little cheerleader, Logan, even let us give him a ponytail:

Bald is beautiful! Here I am now!

2nd Chemo Today

I have my 2nd chemotherapy treatment today. I'm just about ready to leave the house. I have lab work at 11, a doctor's appointment with Dr. Voelzke at 11:30 and then my chemo should start around 12 or 12:30 and lasts about 4 hours. I won't be home until about 5:30ish tonight. I'll probably be really, really tired tonight like I was after the last chemo, so don't look for any more updates to the blog this evening. I'll try to update as soon as I can though!

And on the hair front... I've probably lost about 50% or more of my hair in the last two weeks. It's been a gradual, thinning process. It's to the point now, though, that so many strands are coming out each time I shower and comb my hair that I will probably cut and buzz the rest off very, very soon. I'm thinking tonight or tomorrow. It's just getting so annoying being so thin... and really, what's the point in keeping it now and just watching it fall out more and more each day, making a mess?

I appreciate the thoughts, prayers, and cards I've received from so many. It feels so good to know I'm on so many prayer lists and so many friends are thinking of me. Thank you all for that soooo much!

A little update on me!

On Monday I had a consult appointment with the radiation oncologist. It was just a meeting so we could discuss what I can expect as far as radiation and when and how much, etc. Basically, my radiation will begin about 3 weeks after my last chemotherapy treatment. I'll go 2 weeks after my last chemo to meet with the radiation doctor to do the planning and set up of all my appointments with them, then a week later I'll begin the radiation.

So if the 2 rounds of chemotherapy go as planned and I don't need a third round, then it looks like I'll probably begin radiation around the first week of March. In total, I'll have 18 radiation treatments. I'll go every day (Monday through Friday, so excluding weekends) for 18 days in a row. After that point, then I'm done with all cancer treatments.

I still need your thoughts and prayers to get through the rest of these treatments. And please pray that my body responds well to the anti-cancer drugs and that this cancer gets completely wiped out! I'm hoping for remission by April so I can begin my Spring and Summer cancer-free and get on with life! It sounds weird to type that out, but in reality, April will be here before I know it!

1 Chemo Treatment Down, 3 More To Go!

I know I've been slacking in updates on the blog. For that, I apologize. It's been rather hectic around here with the Christmas holidays, family in town, and starting chemotherapy and not feeling "up" to posting. But all is well, and here I am, back with the latest news!

BIG NEWS FIRST! Logan celebrated his 2nd birthday on December 20th! Happy Birthday, Logan! Mama's little boy is getting so big! Here he is with his birthday cake, and HERE is a link to his birthday pictures!



Let me just say, I had an absolutely fantastic Christmas holiday. I got to see my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, tons of cousins, and even my brother and his girlfriend came up to see us for a few days. It was so wonderful to have all of us together, just like old times when we were kids. Logan had a BLAST opening gifts. And before you go worrying about him, please know he's among the most spoiled of 2-year-olds you'll ever meet. The number of toys that child received is out of this world. He's happy as a pig in... mud!

HERE is a link to all of our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day pictures!


I am so glad I was able to begin my chemo after Christmas because it really wore me out. I went on Monday, the 29th, for treatment #1. They checked my blood cell counts first, to watch their progress along the way. Then a bit later they brought me back to the treatment room to get me all hooked up. This will sound really odd to say, but I actually had "fun" at chemo. I met so many other people going through cancer and heard their stories. We all shared our trials and treatments and things to expect during the process. It was nice to be in a room with other people who knew what it feels like to be going through all of this. Yes, sitting in a chair for 4 hours hooked up to an IV drip isn't the most fun thing in the world, but why not make the best of it? I met a sweet lady named Debbie who's fighting mouth cancer and her daughter-in-law, Jane. They were sitting right next to me. Lee and I chatted with them the entire 4 hours or so that we were there and even played a card game of Rummy. I have to say, too, my husband is such a trouper. I don't know many men who'd sit patiently for so long chatting with a bunch of women about everything from hair loss to mouth sores to wigs, etc. You name it, and Lee was right there chiming in. He's such a wonderful husband and I don't give him enough credit. I am so truly blessed to have his support.

The four hour treatment didn't seem to take as long as it should have felt like. Talking and keeping busy with the other patients made the time pass and not seem like such a chore. After that, I went upstairs to the Cancer Resource Center at Memorial Hospital. They have such a lovely area set up for patients going through cancer. There are support groups, free massages, TONS of pamphlets and books you can check out, nurses to answer any questions while you go through side effects of chemo. They even give out free hats and wigs. It is so nice, and I hope to attend a lymphoma support group soon and meet others experiencing what I'm going through.

That night, after getting home from my chemo treatment, I was literally the most exhausted I've ever been. I had a baby 2 years ago and never felt as tired after giving birth as I did after this chemo treatment. I was soooo tired. I'm sure all the chemo drugs were a huge part of my fatigue, but alllll the talking I did there surely didn't help. All in all, it was a jam-packed, totally busy day. I was in bed for the night at 7:30!!!

Tuesday I had to go back down to the oncologist's office for a "growth shot" as they call it... basically, it's a shot to stimulate my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells since the chemotherapy can make the blood cell counts drop too low. They want to be sure I won't be way too overprone to infections. After that, Mom and John and I went shopping to a local beauty supply store where I bought some wig liners and got a great deal on 2 cute wigs, too. Then we went out to eat. I still have my appetite, so that's good!

I have been SO extremely lucky. My body responded well to the first chemo treatment thus far. I got no horrible side effects, no major nausea, just some light-headedness. I attribute that part to the fact that I have some of the best anti-nausea meds on the market. Thank the Lord for good medicines. The worst part has been just how tired it's made me. Today, now 3 days after the treatment, I do have a bit of a sore mouth which is a normal side effect of one of the drugs. Eating popsicles, sherbet, drinking lots of water and taking cough drops seems to help that. For all those wondering or unfamiliar with chemo, YES, I still do have my hair... BUT only for about 2 weeks. My hair will probably all fall out within the next week and a half. I have a few cute hats, a pretty scarf, and a couple of wigs already in place for when I do, inevitably, lose my hair. I'm sure that part is going to be pretty emotional for me, but at least I feel prepared with many options for head gear. I'll do another post sometime soon modeling my wigs and hats! :)

Now that the holidays have passed, I'll try to be better about posting here about how I'm feeling and doing. Thank you all so much for the well-wishes, prayers, thoughts, phone calls, and cards. I love you all so much and realize how much I am loved and I cannot thank you all enough for the support you've given to me when I need it so much!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! Here's wishing you all a happy, healthy, and better year in 2009!

* Edited to add: OK, after much consideration, I've decided these photos are just too funny NOT to share, so without further ado, here are some of me in 2 of my wigs... and my mom wearing one of mine and Lee being supportive wearing a wig of my Mom's, too! Isn't he cute? :)

Me in the first one, both front and back view:



Mom modeling my other, longer wig:


Me, in the same wig Mom had on, pulled half back with a clip:


My cute husband, being supportive as always!

GREAT NEWS!!

I went for my oncology appointment this afternoon... Dr. Voelzke walked in the room and said, "I have an early Christmas present for you!" and I said, "I take it that means you have some really good news for us?"

The PET scan came back with nothing more than the CT scan from a couple weeks ago showed... the lymphoma is only in the nodes on both sides of my neck. And... my bone marrow biopsy came back clean! He said I am only considered to have Stage 1A cancer...basically the lowest stage you can have. It was caught super early! Praise the Lord!

I'll still undergo chemotherapy, just not as much as we were originally thinking... so that is GREAT news. I will only do 2 rounds of chemo and then have some radiation when finished with the chemo. A "round" of chemo is basically 28 days (1 month) -- so I'll have 2 months of chemo where I go every 2 weeks. In basic terms, this means I'll have 4 actual times of going for chemotherapy treatment. He said each treatment lasts approximately 4 hours. My first chemo treatment will be next Monday, December 29th.

He's already prescribed the BEST anti-nausea meds on the market... he said they are one of the newest approved, and best... apparently they must be super because the cost of them sure is. If you don't have insurance, the retail cost is about $400 for THREE pills. That's insane. I have GOOD insurance... my copay -- you won't believe it: $9.00!

Oh, another excellent thing: Because I'll only undergo 2 (possibly 3 at most) rounds of chemo, this means my chances of remaining capable of having more children are really good and my eggs shouldn't be affected... The doc told me that I could possibly try to have another baby as early as 3 months after going into remission. I'm so excited to hear this since I was worried what the chemo would do to my eggs and if we'd be able to have another baby someday!

Praise God for this wonderful news and for excellent health insurance. I am so blessed. Even more than the insurance, I am blessed to have so many supporters praying for me and sending me tons of good vibes. Thank you all!!!

So many appointments...

Gretchen from Dr. Voelzke's office (my oncologist) called me this morning with all the dates and times for the procedures discussed yesterday. There are so many different procedures to get done in the next week. It's pretty overwhelming, but has to be done.

Monday, the 15th, I go for a consult visit with the surgeon who will be doing my port/catheter connected to the main vein in my chest. He won't be doing the port that day; he likes to meet with the patient first. Gretchen said that she told him I needed this inserted before the 22nd since that's when I meet next with my oncologist. So I'm thinking I'll have the port put in sometime shortly after that by the end of the week.

Wednesday, the 17th, will be a really long, grueling day for me. I have to be at Memorial Hospital at 6:45 a.m. for hospital registration and then will undergo the rest of the preliminary tests and the biopsy needed to begin chemotherapy. First, I'll have the PET scan so I won't be able to eat or drink anything after midnight Tuesday night. After that, I'll get the Pulmonary Function Test to check my lungs since they'll need to be monitored along the way since one of the chemo drugs has a tendency to cause lung damage over time so they'll be monitoring them closely. When that's done, I'll head to the Pathology Department for the bone marrow biopsy which I am so not looking forward to. When that's over, I'll have an echocardiogram done, again to monitor my heart in the same way as the lungs since one of the other chemo drugs can cause tissue damage to the heart over time.

Friday, the 19th, I have an appointment that was set up a few weeks ago with my primary care doctor just as a follow-up to the blood work and things he had done then. I'm going to call the office and see if this appointment is necessary and may end up cancelling it. I don't think there's really much for my main doc to do at this point since the Hodgkin's is being cared for by my oncologist. But I'll check with them just in case to see if he needs/wants to see me... he might, just to check on my general well-being while going through all this.

Monday, the 22nd, is when I'll meet with Dr. Voelzke again to go over the findings from the tests perfored at the hospital and then we'll discuss and plan my chemotherapy treatments and when they'll begin. The chemo could start as early as the 23rd, but I'm hoping to see if he'll let me start the therapy the following week, after the Christmas holiday is over. I'd really like to enjoy Christmas with my family without fear of being sick from my first round of chemo.

I've been "window shopping" online and found a few wigs that I think I like. They are styles that look similar to my real hair. I'd like to have a wig ordered and in hand before I lose my hair and really feel like a freak.

Today has been all right. I woke up early after not getting much sleep since Gretchen called pretty early. After I spoke with her, I couldn't go back to sleep since my mind was reeling with thoughts of all these tests and things and I had a little breakdown. I cried and called my mom just really upset. I want to be strong and I'm generally a very independent person. It feels so out of character for me to ask for help, so I know I'll struggle a bit with asking the family to help with Logan and other things around the house once I get treatments and have sick days and weaker moments. My mom told me it's okay to not be so strong, and it's okay to ask for help. That's what they're all there for. My grandma said that cancer is a "family thing", something that affects the whole family, not just the person diagnosed. She's right. I'll have to learn to let my guard down and just ask for and accept the help. Lucky for me, I have the greatest family in the world, and a loving, supportive husband and beautiful son to keep me motivated to fight to live. That's all the motivation I need, just looking at my little boy, knowing I can and will fight this for him.

Thank you so much for your prayers and good thoughts in this time when I need them so very much.

1st Appt with the Oncologist Today

I met with my Oncologist for the first time today. He's really, really nice, and seems to be very thorough. I'm so relieved that I like him and he seems to know exactly what precautions and steps to take to see that we really get this thing. He seemed optimistic that, no matter what stage this cancer is, I can beat it. He said Hodgkin's is one of the most curable cancers and they have excellent treatment options for it.

I'm still in the "staging" process where we're determining just how spread out the cancer is. The CT scan was a good indicator that it's not too bad, but he wants me to have a PET scan which will give him much better, clearer, more defined results. Also, because of the itching and hives being a B symptom of Hodgkin's, he wants me to also have a bone marrow biopsy to be sure it hasn't spread into my bone marrow. That part sounds a little scary and a little painful, but it has to be done.

He said it's general rule with this cancer to use Chemotherapy to treat it, and possibly Radiation. I can't remember all the technical names for the drugs in my chemo blend being used, but because of one of them, he said it's much safer to administer it using a port/catheter connected to a larger vein rather than the smaller veins in my arms. The port will be a little oval shaped thing placed just under the skin in my chest, and that's where they will administer the chemo.

My next appointment with him is on December 22nd. He said before that appointment that I will have the PET scan, port placement, and bone marrow biopsy all done. That means in the next week and half I'll undergo those three things. It sounds like a lot to do before then. I'm already sick of doctor's appointments and this is just getting started.

I did ask him about the possibility of becoming sterile and not being able to have any more children because of the drugs and he said it IS a possibility. There are options I have (possibly freezing eggs is one of the options I guess) but we'll talk about those more before I actually start chemotherapy. Also, one of the risks of one of the chemo drugs that will be used is possible damage to lung tissues and heart tissue, so before I will start treatment, I'll undergo a lung test and also an echocardiogram and my heart and lungs will be closely monitored along the way.

I don't feel too bad tonight, just tired and a little drained from the emotion of all this. I am really glad to know he's doing these additional steps to be more certain of how serious the cancer is. I was a little apprehensive about the appointment, but now I feel good about things and that I have a good Oncologist.

That's all for now. It's a lot of information to take in for one day. I should hear back from the lady at his office who will set all my appointments tomorrow and she'll tell me the specifics of when/where I go for all the things I mentioned above.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers!

Feeling optimistic & a huge thank you!

I just want to say thank you so, so, so, so much to all of my friends who've taken the time to send me a quick little message or e-mail. It means so much to me that you're thinking about me and praying for me and sending good thoughts my way. There is much to be said about the outlook we take on things. I really feel like "attitude is everything" and by staying positive, things will take a positive turn and I'll have a good outcome.

It feels like, for the past several days, all I've been talking about with people is what's going on with me. To some, maybe it's weird to want to keep talking about this since it's such a scary thing. But, for me, I'm finding it's really theraputic to discuss (even though it does still seem surreal to me) and it's a relief to talk with those close to me about my fears and worries and what's on my mind. I need an outlet to vent my feelings, frustrations, and worries. Thank you all for even taking the time to listen to me and for just being so supportive.

Before this, I never knew anyone personally who had received a cancer diagnosis. I never knew just how scary it was for them. Mostly, I never realized how even the smallest gestures or what may seem like the most minute phrases truly mean to someone who is ill. It's got to be hard on the healthy person's end as well... I imagine it's hard to find words that you feel truly convey how sorry you are to hear the bad news about someone and to find a way to tell them you care. I just want to say, it doesn't really matter what you say, no matter how silly or small it may seem. Just taking the time to say, "I'm thinking about you" or "I'm praying for you." means SO much.

On that note, enough mushy stuff... I got a beautiful Christmas Cactus plant delivered from the local florist shop today from my mom and stepdad, John. I was filled with such joy to see this. It really brightened my day! Here's a picture of it... I can't wait to see it bloom!!!



Thanks again to all of you. I love you all so much! Please remember to always look for beauty in every day. If any good can come out of me having cancer, it's that I'm looking at EVERYTHING in an entirely different way. I'm "stopping to smell the roses". Here's a picture I snapped earlier this evening of the purple-ish pink sky as the sun was setting through the woods across from my house. I thought it was so pretty and just wanted to remember that moment.

The "C" Word

Thursday, December 4, 2008 is a day I'm sure I'll never forget. It was only a few days ago, so, of course, it's fresh in my mind right now. Unfortunately, it will stay vivid for me and my close family and friends for a long time to come.

A little background for those who I haven't kept in close enough contact with lately--

I've been having many health issues for about the last year or so. It all began in late summer of 2007, when my baby was about 8 months old so it was September or August. The first sign I noticed that something weird was going on with me was when I began waking each morning, after a good night's sleep, to a horrible itching in the palms of my hands. At first, I figured it was just dry skin causing me to get itchy. This went on for a few days, and over the next several weeks the itching got more intense to a point where it was burning and, in a half-asleep state, I was scratching continuously at myself. It only got worse, and after about a month of that turned into a red, bumpy rash. The rash progressively spread from my hands and feet to my arms and legs, and eventually, when at its worst, was covering my whole body. During this time I was taking Benadryl, an antihistamine, to help control the rash and hives. This was not making things any better. I later discovered antihistamines were making this worse. I would have good days and good weeks where I'd be nearly rash and hive free. This never completely went away, but I learned to live with it.

I mulled it over with my doctors and in my mind and had come to all sorts of conclusions about what the cause could be. These realizations proved to be a total sham each time. This went on and on and on. I won't get into details any more... it happened so much I learned to live with it. I eventually just figured I had heat-induced, chronic urticaria (hives.)

In February of this year, I noticed what seemed to be a gland in my neck that was enlarged/swollen. Normally, you can't feel your glands unless you have a cold or infection or some reason for them to be swollen. I've had glands get bigger in the past and they would always go back down in size after a cold or something was gone and I was feeling fine. This time, this gland didn't go down in size. I went to see my doctor about this. She prescribed antibiotics and had me take a round of them to see if that would reduce its size. She said it's normal for glands to swell up occasionally and not go back down, and it was probably just an infection. When the antibiotics did nothing for it, she referred me to a surgical specialist for a possible biopsy. He also tried a round of antibiotics first. Again, this did nothing. He then did a fine-needle biopsy, and that did come back clean. However, the ultrasound and CT scan I'd had done did show a cluster (not just one) of lymph nodes swollen in the right side of my neck. This concerned him and he wanted to do a surgical biopsy and remove the largest node for closer examination. I had the surgery all scheduled, and "chickened out" so to speak. At this point, no doctor had done any blood work on me and the fine-needle biopsy had come back clean so I felt certain this was unnecessary.

I went on living with the itchy hives and the swollen gland for a while longer. I finally had a break-down in October or so and realized I just could NOT go on living like this with this horrible rash that was affecting my daily life and my mood and making me feel hideous.

During all this time, over the past year I've noticed I just haven't been "me." No one knows their own body like they do, of course. I just knew SOMETHING wasn't right and though I wasn't feeling ill, per say, I was tired a lot more than I used to be and just overall had a feeling something serious was wrong. I just knew I had to get to a doctor that would help me diagnose this so I could get on with my life.

I found a new doctor, whom I absolutely love and truly seemed concerned and wanted to help me get to the bottom of all this. He had me visit with an allergist, and that turned up nothing serious to alert them to the cause of this rash I was living with. I had also told him all about the enlarged lymph node.

My new doctor performed the lymph node biopsy in his office the day before Thanksgiving. I had my stitches removed this week on Wednesday (the 3rd of December) and the pathology report had not come back from the lab yet. They assured me they would call me as soon as they had the results. All this time, I still felt like it would be fine and nothing serious. I truly was NOT worried about it being something horrible.

I got the phone call that would change me on Thursday. The nurse from my doctor's office called and said the results came back abnormal. She sounded very calm and did not tell me much over the phone, just asking if I could come in "today" for more blood work. I'm not an idiot, and I got off the phone after agreeing to come in as soon as I could get myself and Logan ready and out the door... I hung up and it hit me that this was serious. Doctor's offices don't call you in that SAME day unless it's urgent and, usually, bad news. The whole way there, I think I was still in denial... I kept that thought in the back of my head that perhaps they really did need more bloodwork and that maybe I was freaking out prematurely.

I got to the office and waited in the area for a short while. I went into the exam room with the nurse and she did the usual blood pressure and temperature checks, etc. and she had my file in front of her. Either I was in fine tune to her every emotion or she really did seem a little tense, I don't know... but I felt like a bomb was about to hit me. I said to her, on the verge of tears, "Dawn, how bad is it? Is it really, really bad? Do I have cancer?" She calmly told me to calm down and not freak out or fret. She then said a phrase to me which sounded like it happened in slow motion... even now, as I replay it in my mind, I hear it in the same slow motion. "You have Hodgkins Lymphoma" and then I lost it. I broke down, crying and sobbing and just a mess. She didn't need to go on, though I think through my tears I could hear her explaining to me that it was, indeed, a cancer of the lymph node system.

The rest of the day was a blur as I talked to the doctor and Lee came to the office and met me there and we cried and I went home to tell my grandparents and call my mom and the rest was just a depressing, totally freaked-out day. At this point, all they had was my diagnosis. They did not know how serious this was -- in other words, they didn't know if I caught this early or in the later stages. That's the part that was hardest to deal with over the next 24 hours. I hardly slept Thursday night as I lay awake wondering if I was too late and was in stage 4 and it was going to be a horrible, difficult fight. I tried to think positive, but when you get told you have cancer, it's impossible to not think the worst. I have a little 2 year old baby boy who needs his mommy. I can't bear the thought of his life without me. I prayed hard and knew in my heart of hearts that I had to be positive and optimistic and I had every reason in the world to fight my hardest fight for this: Logan. He NEEDS me. I need him. I can't let Logan grow up without me, the person who loves him more than anyone can ever love another human being. The thought of him growing up and never knowing me or knowing who I was or how much I loved him... well, that thought is just too horrible to think about.

(For anyone interested in more information on Hodgkin's Lymphoma, also known as Hodgkin's Disease, HERE is a really informative link.)

The GOOD NEWS:

Thinking optimistically, there ARE some good things to keep in mind --- Hodkin's Lymphoma is cancer, however, if you're going to get a lymphoma, Hodgkin's is the best to get -- it's the most treatable and most responsive to treatments. If caught early on, it has an over 80% survival rate. AND the fact that I'm young, I feel, will be on my side since I'll be stronger to fight this.

The other awesome news:

I went Friday for my CT scans for them to determine "staging" -- in other words, they wanted to see if this was just located in my neck or if it had spread farther to my chest or abdomen. I got a call last night already from the nurse at my doc's office -- the results came back already and it was good news. It seems we caught it really early, and it had not spread to my chest (the next place is usually spreads to is the nodes in the chest area) -- the only other spot they saw was the opposite side of my neck from where I had the biopsy done. So we caught it really early-- it's only in my neck... which means, it'll be easier to treat... I'll probably be looking at much less in terms of treatment.

I meet with the oncologist on Tuesday. He'll go over everything with me and tell me where we go from here. I'm GUESSING radiation is going to be his choice for treatment... but I'm not certain... there is a possibility I could undergo chemo. At this point, I have no idea and just have to wait to talk to him. At least I've been able to breathe a little sigh of relief this weekend in knowing this was caught early and I CAN and WILL beat this cancer!

PLEASE, everyone, keep me in your thoughts and prayers and send lots of good vibes. I would most certainly appreciate it. I love you all!